APC Mag submits bid for National Bluescreen Network

Sure, it's been a while between drinks for Bluescreen. Well, actually, it hasn't -- Bluescreen's been busy hitting the office Christmas party circuit, drinking heavily and taking in the industry gossip, both good, bad and frankly alarming. To say that Bluescreen will never again accept a "Moustache Ride" from someone called "Sol", just because it's "Movember" is an understatement. It's also a video that Bluescreen fervently hopes never makes it onto BigPond Movies. Where's the OFLC when you really need them? In any case, Bluescreen's been far too busy drinking to report accurately* on the goings-on in the wild world of IT.

In any case, the hot Christmas party topic of the day appears to be the long-mooted National Broadband Network, the tender bids for which close today at midday.

There's been a lot of press around the Terria bid, which as far as Bluescreen can see, appears to have been sourced from IKEA. Builds quickly, looks initially impressive, but seems to fall apart suspiciously quickly due to internal components not fitting well together. Then there's Telstra, who have perfected the art of threatening to take their ball home and not let anyone else play with it before they've even inflated the ball. It's an act of self-contradicting logic that would even baffle the late Douglas Adams. More quietly, there's Axia and Acacia, which up until recently Bluescreen could have sworn were a pair of self-germinating evergreens suitable for sandy soils, rather than technology companies.

This got Bluescreen to thinking, and, having had one too many strawberry daiquiris and VBs (a truly awful mixture), Bluescreen's brain clicked into motion. The reason why Telstra,  Terria, Axia and Acacia are so fussed about the NBN?

It's got nothing to do with having a vision for the future of Australia's networks, or, for that matter, being interested in geeky tech. No, they're all keen on the NBN because of the promise of money. Oodles and oodles of it. And in this world of financial uncertainty, Bluescreen figures it could use money counted by the oodle-load, if only to get rid of that pesky mortgage. Which is why it's putting its hand up as a bidder for the lucrative NBN contract, effective as of now. Plus, the Goverment's site for the NBN states that:

"The party to build the National Broadband Network will be selected through a competitive assessment process to maximise outcomes for the community"

And Bluescreen likes parties. Plus, as long as the competitive section includes a swimsuit component, Bluescreen's got it locked up over both Telstra and at least Optus. Although Bluescreen does wish that it didn't know that it looked better in a swimsuit than either company quite so intimately. Some things you just can't un-see.

Of course, Bluescreen has to overcome a lot of technical difficulties to get its bid in. For a start, there's the fact that Bluescreen knows next to nothing about network terminology, long-haul network maintenance or even the basics of broadband provision. Here, though, Bluescreen reckons it's got it nailed, because, outside the boffins, nobody else does either.

All you've really got to do, as they say in bad self-help tapes, is talk the talk. There's no real need to walk the walk, because, well, broadband networks take a very long time to build, and by the time anyone figures out that Bluescreen was bluffing, we'll be lounging in our very own Spanish Beach Villa, right next door to that nice Trujillo family. Still, you've got to hit the right jargon points, so as part of Bluescreen's bid documents, the following provisioning promises** have been made:

Minimum download speeds of 12 Megabits Per Second: Bluescreen reckons it can get this for one location -- preferably Bluescreen's Spanish Villa -- and that should be enough. With the oodles of money on offer, Bluescreen might even be able to afford a Next-G wireless connection for a couple of months. Hey, there's no mention of 12 Megabits everywhere that Bluescreen can see...

Providing the government with a return on investment: As long as the Government invests in Bluescreen, it promises to abscond to Spain and never return.

Fibre To The Home: Bluescreen elects to use a FTTH technology previously under-utilised, by having a large sack of bran delivered to 98% of the Australian population, along with milk to help eat it. Bran is positively bursting with fibre, and providing all the milk will provide a great boost to the local dairy industry, along with long-term employment for the plumbing and sewerage industries in the "structural separation" period that follows inevitably after the consumption of that much bran.

Uniform Pricing Structure: Whenever you call Bluescreen ISP to complain about the pricing, our sales representatives promise to be wearing a uniform. For an extra $2.99 a minute, maid, policewoman or diving instructor uniforms will be available.

Alex Kidman gazes deeply into the inane world of big tech for APC. Sometimes it gazes back.  In other words, it's satire... we take no responsibility for your kernel crashing.


*That is, not at all accurately.
** In accordance with long-held political terminology, these are of course, "non-core" promises. Lies, in other words.